im startng to think i want to use this page more as .. as maybe a place to put my thoughts. Its scary to think the person reading this is reading about my life, and judging me or relating to what im saying or thinking .
I had a terrible , terrible recap tonight . I just looked at his picture , and i fell apart . It was like it was a fresh wound again . Like it had just happened and it happens everyday . I play it over and over agan . and i dont know how to stop it or to focus myself to another place. Maybe to a happier place . I just let myself relive it over and over again . Im always struggling with these demons .I often find myself not wanting to live or go on . And dont start thinking , Oh no , this is another crazy girls blog . Its not that at all . Im not suicidal . Im not hear to complain about the little things in life . Shit happens , and i get that. Trust me i get that more than anyone , or just as much as the next . Im young , and i have so many years to have more shit happen, but i dont want you to think that these things also dont need to be talked about . I think thats what this needs to be about . How and why these things happen. Or something as simple as dealing with it .
I honestly think the reason for me wanted to blog is because ive kept so much inside for so long . The thing that bothers me the most are the deaths . Ive lost the most important people to me in the past few years. And its heart breaking . Unfathomable . Its …. deathly .
The most recent death i have suffered , In September , was my boyfriend. My finace even . Yes i am young , i know what youre gong to say . ” thats stupid , you cant love yet ” . I used to say the same thing until he showed up in my life . We dated for almost a year. And there is no doubt , he was my everything . I spent every waking moment with him . Every possible second . There wasnt a thing i hated about him . His smile, his laugh, the way he said certain things , the way he looked at me n the mornings . His flaws were even beautiful . There wasnt anything that could make me love him more . The love we had entangled me . It made me see life in almost a euphoric way constantly . I had no worries , no problems, no feeling of loss. Ill admit , we had our problems like every other couple .But they werent often . They didnt last long .
But then there was that day . i was out with a few friends and it was the first weekend i didnt stay with him in a year. We were havng a few problems so , we were arguing quit a lot the previous week . The previous night he offered to pick me up from a party and take me home. And i thought that was were we could fix it , But he didnt answer me when i called. And i called all night. So the next day , while im out , I got a call from my dad , and my heart sunk . No one would tell me what was happening but i knew . I knew what was wrong . I rushed home , and waited for my dad to come back from being at my boyfriends house . And thats when he told me that he had hung himself .
He was battling with so much , but he put on a good face . thought everything was okay . That we were happy . I knew we were struggling with his problems but we were handling them . Nothing couldve prepared me for this . I dropped. I was hysterical . My soul mate , was gone. No goodbye. No last kiss. And as i write this i realize its not much of a blog , but more of my sharing something that has my heart broken . Something that has me hurt . And i hope that is okay with whoever is reading .
My biggest struggle now , is compare everything to him . I cant smile without thinking of him . And it kills me. And quit frankly , i dont feel much like wrting anymore . I will pick up more when i can pull my thoughts together better. But thank you for reading .
We all have that one friend . That one guy /girl that we meet , and just know you want that person to be a part of your life . Weather it be your lover or your friend . Most people talk the initiative and get to know the person . Usually , i am not that kind of person . I put myself on a low standard and let my nerves get the best of me. But for whatever reason , this one person , got me. Over time of knowing this person , i came to realize what i wanted wouldnt happen . All he did was cause me pain . He’d fuck me , and treat me as if he wanted me , but refused to take it any further . And id watch , as most girls do , id watch him get nto relationship after relationship . Finally , i got to the point where i said ” fuck you ” and stopped trying . And that was one of my best decison . I met the love of my life . But thats another story .
Girls as well as guys go through the phases . But the one that is most fucked up ? When you finally give up and let this said friend know how happy you are with the person you are with , and they fall apart and tell you how much they wanted to be with you and was ready . The bullshit plan to keep your rebound girl/guy . No one wants to be a rebound , thats total bullshit . And when youre finally happy they want to tie you down . From personal experience , Drop the fucker . You dont need that . Life is stressful and short . I know you might want to hold onto this person , for whatever reason . But DONT . Its not worth missing out on all the opportunities you could be following and maybe meeting the real one .
After having gone through all the issues and obstacle with this person . a lot of people would have dropped the friend . If you haven’t , you know there is a bond unlike any other . You’re really good friends .But there is always the feeling . The feeling of the friend you once loved .
Thank you so much for reading . Im new to this and i really want to get into it . Id love comments/questions/ advice . You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org